Every single (non-human) animal is friendly to me.
I’m gonna choose the side effect and you choose the power:
“I ___, but only when I’m hard.”“can see”
Better take viagra!
save kittens from trees
Can revive the dead
“I’m gonna explain everything later, just don’t interfere.”
You can give moving public speeches
become immensely popular as a male role model
am the world’s greatest kindergarten teacher
You can captivate the attention of any child. You’re a comedian or magician that would absolutely kill it at any children’s birthday party. You would be a fantastic teacher as you can hold the wrapped attention of even the most tiktok-corrupted teen.
Except, there’s just one small problem…
I’m Mr beast?
I can pause time in order to write as much code as I want without interruption.
It must be written in Malbolge Unshackled using a keyboard that alternates between DVORAK and QWERTY layouts with each keystroke.
Stack overflow won’t load while time is paused.
The code can only be written in VB.Net.
Air also stops, so moving causes unimaginable levels of friction and you cannot breath.
You can only write ‘hello world’
Your code always crashes. Always.
being happy
I don’t need superpowers, just let me not be depressed while retaining a functioning cock/not feeling numb to the world.
Alright, fun’s over, let the monkey’s paw curl.
You experience no such thing as want or discomfort, you dehydrate and die within a few days.
Instant teleportation
The ability to change the probability of events happening
You can’t pick which events. You only find out what they were after setting the likelihoods, and can never change them a second time.
The probability of gaining or losing a genetic trait in your body also changes based on the probability change you make
You can only make things worse
Dang 😅 Who gets to decide whether I’m making something worse though?
Me.
Applies only to non terrestrial events
Chance of an advanced race of friendly aliens settling on Mars: 0.0000000000000N% => 100%
You need to amass one kilogram of your own feces in a ceremonial bag for the power to take effect.
Name checks out, thank you Spiderman :3
Every time I brush my teeth, they glow in the dark for the next 24 hours
Flying
Achieved like bats fly. Your arms and fingers have been transformed into wings.
You can’t walk
you lose all leg strength
Extreme fear of heights
You’re now a city pigeon.
You get struck by lightning
I can upvote or downvote as many times as I want
only you see it
I already have this power.
The ability to find any file I please from anywhere I choose no matter how confidential or copyrighted it is. (It’s… for a Club Penguin archival project, yeah)
The download speed is always 10Kib/s.
It comes buried in a folder full of 999 other files, with names from 000 through 999. Which file it is is random.
All the other files are porn of your biggest turn-off. This is mostly just an annoyance.
Mind reading
When you read someone’s mind you involuntarily blurt out everything you read.
Whenever you do it, the fact you’re reading someone’s mind is announced loudly in their mind and in the minds of anyone nearby.
It turns out nobody really thinks often enough for you to get any information
In exchange, all of your thoughts are broadcasted onto an account on every social media, no matter how small, with your name attached to it.
All thoughts are formatted in .docx
I cant decide between Trans Magic and the power to be able to infinitely summon a device at no cost any time that will answer correctly and precisely any question i ask it for no price, it knowing what i mean and wanting to help me. Summoning it will erase the previous device, keeping the memory of the information obtained from it
The ability to turn lead into gold just by touching it and saying a short incantation.
Whenever you do this, you turn all the gold you aren’t touching within a kilometer radius into lead. That includes gold in electronics, so you would instsntly break every computer within a kilometer radius.
You can never remember the incantation
you now have tourette’s and speak that incantation uncontrolably. the only medication for it is lead-based. lead is otherwise harmless to you.
The incantation is the full unedited script of The Bee Movie and you have to do a Seinfeld impersonation when reciting his lines.
the incantation is a 5min long praise of Jeffrey Epstein
Be able to transform into animals
The transformation takes about a week each way. So you have a lot of awkward time where you’ve got furry privates and horrible clawed hands while you wait for the change to complete.
Oh you had to go there - Op becomes the most successful account on patreon.
Teleportation
Your arms take an extra hour to arrive after each teleportation (yes, this delay stacks). You don’t bleed from this, but you have stub arms in the meantime.
Your accuracy is +/- 3 light years.
Every time you do it, you land on a poop
Just gotta carry disinfectant wipes and stuff I guess. I’d take this deal
